Mixed emotions

Finishing my second bottle of Cab Sav


Well it's been a while since I've checked in, thought for a bit maybe this blog was a bit too negative, bringing me down - you know, Louise Hay, speak negative words, receive negativity in your life etc etc. And maybe its true. But maybe also worth checking in occasionally.

Got a comment the other day, yaaay but also not sure how I feel about it, after my first few postings I started hoping my blog was invisible in the giant black hole that is the net! Well, still good to be out there I guess but probably gonna have to watch my anonymity and be a little more private lol! But thx for your comment and support, it does freak me out that someone on the other side of the world is watching, but then that is blogs and that is why I'm here. Time to face reality I guess. And, well, if I didn't think it was healthy and hopefully beneficial for others and maybe also as a portal to connect with likeminded ppl, I'd have removed the blog. But cripes hope like hell no one I know ever reads/figures out this blog, it would ruin my life.

So anyway, had an epiphany from my psychologist a few weeks ago - I often find with these things, it can just be one line, one sentence, which can reframe your whole viewpoint. I should remember that when I feel like it's too huge to recover from. Well we talked about negative self beliefs, one being that I felt like maybe I didn't deserve good things because of my rebellious past as a teenager. And yet of the same token I've worked in community services and volunteered a lot for charities and have always shown compassion for people who've done it hard, but I believe in people having a fresh start. SO, why should I forgive complete strangers who've done much more awful things and yet not myself for silly teenage rebelliousness?? So, this has resonated with me a bit...and I find myself reminding myself about this when I feel down on who I am. That has got to be a start. Yeah still drinking etc but you know what maybe I've had a few more alcohol free days.

Last week I challenged myself to have an alcohol free working week...I lasted two nights then broke it on Wednesday. But you know, instead of being down on that I'm gonna be happy that the last time I did two days in a row was a long time ago.

My next challenge, is to get myself to the gym. This has helped me before, though I tend to go the other way, becoming an exercise junky - what an addictive personality I have (geez there's that negative talk again!), but it is something I've seen in the past as a pattern. But you know, rather be an exercise junky than an alcoholic anyday!! I just need to get the motivation. I was determined to start today...it didn't happen. I will keep trying. I think it is important to recognise the baby steps...even the decisions and the attempts even if they are not successful. Well, it is better to do that than to be miserable and give up and not even try I think?

I know I need to stop it. I have prayed to God to help me stop it - brought up as a christian but don't go to church or anything. I guess I follow the beliefs and believe in God but not actively - I suppose this is why AA's never appealed to me, well one of the reasons. I saw something on the tele once about an alcoholic, can't even remember what it was. But it resonated - the guy was talking about how people said he should want to stop and he couldn't want to stop, so he prayed to God to help him want to stop...well that's what I want. People say, you can only do it if you want to. I don't want to...but I do! So, I hope to not want to.

Last night, I didn't drink, I got bored (I often drink cause I'm bored) but it was actually quite nice, my mind was normal, my thoughts were me - emails and texts I sent to friends were because of me and not drunken and not something to be regretted. I want to remember that feeling more.

What is going on with AA's anyway that's not online? (skipping back a topic lol)! I mean, to go to somewhere for support here are your options:

1) Psychologist: Can be expensive, difficult to get an appointment, long slow process and not necessarily there when you need it straight away;
2) Local community counsellor: No flexibility for ppl who work full time even tho it's free;
3) Family and friends: Tried it, it sucks. No one really understands and all you get is a pity look every time you have a glass of champagne at a family catch up;
4) AA's: Available lots but see these people who're hard to relate to, been on drugs, suicidal, in jail, 60 yrs old, yeah similar alcohol addiction symptoms but so easy to justify any advice they give by saying how different they are - last thing I need is more justifications!
5) Any of the above: Not available immediately, confronting for the y gen who communicates using technology as the norm.

AA's or someone needs to modernise and offer something to suit younger people struggling with this. I know I'm missing that, and I've tried to search but not found it.

Anyway, now I'm rambling and lecturing about society haha by now any readers have fallen asleep! :)

We'll see how we go.