Why am I doing this?

Last night: Two and a half bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon

So I've decided to start a blog, for anyone to read, for no one to read - it doesn't matter. I need an outlet, a forum to help organise my confused, chaotic and myriad thoughts, a form of therapy I suppose that doesn't cost me and doesn't involve the awkwardness of sitting opposite someone not knowing where to look as you confess your deepest secrets and sadnesses. How often I update it, I don't know, perhaps I'll write this one time and never return, at this point I'm still wondering if I'll manage to finish even this blog, but lets give it a crack anyway, just for kicks.

So here I am, a 20-something girl with an alcohol addiction, one that has been in my life for many years and aggressively continues it's impact on just about all aspects of my life - my job, my finances (or lack of), my health, my appearance, my friends and family. I've lost jobs and relationships as a result of my problem, I constantly struggle to prioritise alcohol over basics like food and bills so am constantly poor, my weight is an ongoing problem as the calories from the alcohol, the food I eat when I drink (and then when I'm hungover), and the time I spend drinking takes away from my motivation to exercise, adds kilos onto my body.

Most people I meet would never guess I have this problem, I do an excellent job of putting on a show as a young up and coming professional who appears to have her shit together. I've learned to hide it though eventually over time people start to notice something is a bit off I think. I live alone, so no one sees me drinking just about every night, often until I pass out then struggle to get up for work the next day, my close friends know I have a problem as I've confided in them but none know how bad it is and in fact I've led them to believe that I've worked through it already, my family knows but again the extent of it I'm sure they don't. My mum was shocked to think I might be able to down 1 bottle of wine in one sitting, what would she think if she knew normally it's two bottles, sometimes more...and 5/6 times a week. Today I was sick from work, for the probably 9th time in 4 months which is directly as a result of drinking too much on a school night.

I've tried so many things, I've gone to AA's, I've been to psychologists and counselling, I've tried medication even the dreaded Antabuse which at least gives me 3-4 days break from drinking but makes me binge even harder when the effects wear off, I've tried my own methods of trying to quit eg; Dry July - some of these have given some short term benefit but in the long run it has become progressively worse. I'm now seeing a psychologist again, seeing if I can target the source of my drinking, those negative self-beliefs which apparently I am drinking to not have to deal with - probably true if I am honest with myself - but it is so hard to believe that I could lead a normal life without alcohol being a problem after so long, but then, how can I not?? How am I going to have a normal relationship, my health, money to live, a good job, if I keep this up. It's just not possible so I need to make a choice for change.

Well you know what I'm not gonna go on and on right now for fear that I won't publish this and that would be a darn shame after all this typing...! And I do want to give this blog thing a go, so lets get something locked in and see how we go.