Finishing my second bottle of Cab Sav
Well it's been a while since I've checked in, thought for a bit maybe this blog was a bit too negative, bringing me down - you know, Louise Hay, speak negative words, receive negativity in your life etc etc. And maybe its true. But maybe also worth checking in occasionally.
Got a comment the other day, yaaay but also not sure how I feel about it, after my first few postings I started hoping my blog was invisible in the giant black hole that is the net! Well, still good to be out there I guess but probably gonna have to watch my anonymity and be a little more private lol! But thx for your comment and support, it does freak me out that someone on the other side of the world is watching, but then that is blogs and that is why I'm here. Time to face reality I guess. And, well, if I didn't think it was healthy and hopefully beneficial for others and maybe also as a portal to connect with likeminded ppl, I'd have removed the blog. But cripes hope like hell no one I know ever reads/figures out this blog, it would ruin my life.
So anyway, had an epiphany from my psychologist a few weeks ago - I often find with these things, it can just be one line, one sentence, which can reframe your whole viewpoint. I should remember that when I feel like it's too huge to recover from. Well we talked about negative self beliefs, one being that I felt like maybe I didn't deserve good things because of my rebellious past as a teenager. And yet of the same token I've worked in community services and volunteered a lot for charities and have always shown compassion for people who've done it hard, but I believe in people having a fresh start. SO, why should I forgive complete strangers who've done much more awful things and yet not myself for silly teenage rebelliousness?? So, this has resonated with me a bit...and I find myself reminding myself about this when I feel down on who I am. That has got to be a start. Yeah still drinking etc but you know what maybe I've had a few more alcohol free days.
Last week I challenged myself to have an alcohol free working week...I lasted two nights then broke it on Wednesday. But you know, instead of being down on that I'm gonna be happy that the last time I did two days in a row was a long time ago.
My next challenge, is to get myself to the gym. This has helped me before, though I tend to go the other way, becoming an exercise junky - what an addictive personality I have (geez there's that negative talk again!), but it is something I've seen in the past as a pattern. But you know, rather be an exercise junky than an alcoholic anyday!! I just need to get the motivation. I was determined to start today...it didn't happen. I will keep trying. I think it is important to recognise the baby steps...even the decisions and the attempts even if they are not successful. Well, it is better to do that than to be miserable and give up and not even try I think?
I know I need to stop it. I have prayed to God to help me stop it - brought up as a christian but don't go to church or anything. I guess I follow the beliefs and believe in God but not actively - I suppose this is why AA's never appealed to me, well one of the reasons. I saw something on the tele once about an alcoholic, can't even remember what it was. But it resonated - the guy was talking about how people said he should want to stop and he couldn't want to stop, so he prayed to God to help him want to stop...well that's what I want. People say, you can only do it if you want to. I don't want to...but I do! So, I hope to not want to.
Last night, I didn't drink, I got bored (I often drink cause I'm bored) but it was actually quite nice, my mind was normal, my thoughts were me - emails and texts I sent to friends were because of me and not drunken and not something to be regretted. I want to remember that feeling more.
What is going on with AA's anyway that's not online? (skipping back a topic lol)! I mean, to go to somewhere for support here are your options:
1) Psychologist: Can be expensive, difficult to get an appointment, long slow process and not necessarily there when you need it straight away;
2) Local community counsellor: No flexibility for ppl who work full time even tho it's free;
3) Family and friends: Tried it, it sucks. No one really understands and all you get is a pity look every time you have a glass of champagne at a family catch up;
4) AA's: Available lots but see these people who're hard to relate to, been on drugs, suicidal, in jail, 60 yrs old, yeah similar alcohol addiction symptoms but so easy to justify any advice they give by saying how different they are - last thing I need is more justifications!
5) Any of the above: Not available immediately, confronting for the y gen who communicates using technology as the norm.
AA's or someone needs to modernise and offer something to suit younger people struggling with this. I know I'm missing that, and I've tried to search but not found it.
Anyway, now I'm rambling and lecturing about society haha by now any readers have fallen asleep! :)
We'll see how we go.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Miserable and ashamed
Water. Lots of it.
So it came to me with a start what I had done last night, well not all of it it's still a mystery how I got to bed and whether I said goodbye, but I made a completely idiot out of myself and had I guess you could say an emotional meltdown on skype...so stupid, have spent all day worried that I've screwed up the one thing that was giving me hope in my life. Well I've heard from him and he says it's okay but I don't believe him, it's freaked him out, goodness knows what I said to him...desperately hoping I didn't end up confessing my addiction cause that'd really scare him off.
Hmm, also wrote a bit of a not nice email to my friend this morning and now that I've sobered up (I suspect I was still drunk this morning) I'm regretting it. It was an honest email but I think perhaps it was something that should have remained unsaid, or perhaps said a bit better...I'm hoping I haven't ruined a friendship also as a result of my latest binge.
Geez I hate this feeling.
So it came to me with a start what I had done last night, well not all of it it's still a mystery how I got to bed and whether I said goodbye, but I made a completely idiot out of myself and had I guess you could say an emotional meltdown on skype...so stupid, have spent all day worried that I've screwed up the one thing that was giving me hope in my life. Well I've heard from him and he says it's okay but I don't believe him, it's freaked him out, goodness knows what I said to him...desperately hoping I didn't end up confessing my addiction cause that'd really scare him off.
Hmm, also wrote a bit of a not nice email to my friend this morning and now that I've sobered up (I suspect I was still drunk this morning) I'm regretting it. It was an honest email but I think perhaps it was something that should have remained unsaid, or perhaps said a bit better...I'm hoping I haven't ruined a friendship also as a result of my latest binge.
Geez I hate this feeling.
Friday, 27 May 2011
The next morning
Last night: Two and a half bottles, hmm, maybe three not sure
So slept in till just before midnight today, don't remember going to bed but woke up fully dressed from what I was wearing yesterday - at least I made it to bed this time. Was skyping last time I remember, and now hoping desperately that I didn't make an idiot out of myself, did I say goodnight? Did I say something stupid drunk skyping? It's the worst part of the next day...the moments waiting to find out what I did in that little gap between just getting so drunk I can't remember my actions and passing out. Waiting to hear back, the person I was skyping with would still be asleep right now but won't be long before I get a response...I wonder how long it will be before he realises the extent of my problem. I love him...I hope he never does. Another good reason to sort myself out.
So slept in till just before midnight today, don't remember going to bed but woke up fully dressed from what I was wearing yesterday - at least I made it to bed this time. Was skyping last time I remember, and now hoping desperately that I didn't make an idiot out of myself, did I say goodnight? Did I say something stupid drunk skyping? It's the worst part of the next day...the moments waiting to find out what I did in that little gap between just getting so drunk I can't remember my actions and passing out. Waiting to hear back, the person I was skyping with would still be asleep right now but won't be long before I get a response...I wonder how long it will be before he realises the extent of my problem. I love him...I hope he never does. Another good reason to sort myself out.
My new relationship
Onto my second bottle
So, this is well and truly the longest I've been officially single since I was 18, no joke. Officially broken up in July though some months for that to be finalised (in fact still going with the lawyers, will it ever end?!). Tried to go onto an online dating site, even dated someone for a month or so and flirted with others in emails/texts, but nothing. Now removed myself from the dating site thinking I mustn't be ready, it just didn't feel right. But a thought has occurred to me recently....am I in a relationship with alcohol?
Ok, that sounds a bit crazy (and possibly you're crediting that to the alcohol in my system right now but I swear this occurred to me sober!) but think about it. Alcohol is my comfort, when I am sad, angry, emotional in some way it helps me deal with it. Alcohol keeps me company - when I am bored or even before I am but am wondering what I might do of an evening or on the weekend, I'll drink for something to do. Alcohol is given pretty much the highest priority in my life, I think about drinking often, about when I will drink next, and I illogically (is that a word?!) often choose alcohol over many more healthy things in my life. I spend more time with alcohol than anyone else in my life, most of my evenings and my weekends. Replace the word 'alcohol' with a man's name and you could easily think I was talking about a special someone.
And right now, this is an exclusive relationship. I can't properly be with anyone else while I drink as I do now. How would I explain the late nights, the lack of money, the drunken texting/facebooking, the need to drink overpowering any desire to be with someone else?
So I guess I can say, I need to break up with alcohol. You know, I've never been good with breakups. At least I don't need to worry about hurting it's feelings...
Why share this blog?
Currently: On my third glass of Sauvignon Cabernet
I thought I'd add, while this blog serves it's main purpose perfectly well regardless of whether it is read by anyone or not, I also hope that some may read it who perhaps are going through a similar experience to myself and find some comfort in the similarities they see in themselves.
So many things in my life are run through technology and specifically via the net - my work, my banking, my contact with family and friends, my shopping, much of my daily entertainment - so I sought to find some help for my problem online, perhaps through an online forum for other alcoholics to connect without having to go to embarrassing meetings in person. But I haven't found anywhere which really resonates with me so I suppose I am creating my own. I hope then that this blog could offer that online connection to others, that it could help.
"You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit."
I thought I'd add, while this blog serves it's main purpose perfectly well regardless of whether it is read by anyone or not, I also hope that some may read it who perhaps are going through a similar experience to myself and find some comfort in the similarities they see in themselves.
So many things in my life are run through technology and specifically via the net - my work, my banking, my contact with family and friends, my shopping, much of my daily entertainment - so I sought to find some help for my problem online, perhaps through an online forum for other alcoholics to connect without having to go to embarrassing meetings in person. But I haven't found anywhere which really resonates with me so I suppose I am creating my own. I hope then that this blog could offer that online connection to others, that it could help.
"You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit."
Why am I doing this?
Last night: Two and a half bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon
So I've decided to start a blog, for anyone to read, for no one to read - it doesn't matter. I need an outlet, a forum to help organise my confused, chaotic and myriad thoughts, a form of therapy I suppose that doesn't cost me and doesn't involve the awkwardness of sitting opposite someone not knowing where to look as you confess your deepest secrets and sadnesses. How often I update it, I don't know, perhaps I'll write this one time and never return, at this point I'm still wondering if I'll manage to finish even this blog, but lets give it a crack anyway, just for kicks.
So here I am, a 20-something girl with an alcohol addiction, one that has been in my life for many years and aggressively continues it's impact on just about all aspects of my life - my job, my finances (or lack of), my health, my appearance, my friends and family. I've lost jobs and relationships as a result of my problem, I constantly struggle to prioritise alcohol over basics like food and bills so am constantly poor, my weight is an ongoing problem as the calories from the alcohol, the food I eat when I drink (and then when I'm hungover), and the time I spend drinking takes away from my motivation to exercise, adds kilos onto my body.
Most people I meet would never guess I have this problem, I do an excellent job of putting on a show as a young up and coming professional who appears to have her shit together. I've learned to hide it though eventually over time people start to notice something is a bit off I think. I live alone, so no one sees me drinking just about every night, often until I pass out then struggle to get up for work the next day, my close friends know I have a problem as I've confided in them but none know how bad it is and in fact I've led them to believe that I've worked through it already, my family knows but again the extent of it I'm sure they don't. My mum was shocked to think I might be able to down 1 bottle of wine in one sitting, what would she think if she knew normally it's two bottles, sometimes more...and 5/6 times a week. Today I was sick from work, for the probably 9th time in 4 months which is directly as a result of drinking too much on a school night.
I've tried so many things, I've gone to AA's, I've been to psychologists and counselling, I've tried medication even the dreaded Antabuse which at least gives me 3-4 days break from drinking but makes me binge even harder when the effects wear off, I've tried my own methods of trying to quit eg; Dry July - some of these have given some short term benefit but in the long run it has become progressively worse. I'm now seeing a psychologist again, seeing if I can target the source of my drinking, those negative self-beliefs which apparently I am drinking to not have to deal with - probably true if I am honest with myself - but it is so hard to believe that I could lead a normal life without alcohol being a problem after so long, but then, how can I not?? How am I going to have a normal relationship, my health, money to live, a good job, if I keep this up. It's just not possible so I need to make a choice for change.
Well you know what I'm not gonna go on and on right now for fear that I won't publish this and that would be a darn shame after all this typing...! And I do want to give this blog thing a go, so lets get something locked in and see how we go.
So I've decided to start a blog, for anyone to read, for no one to read - it doesn't matter. I need an outlet, a forum to help organise my confused, chaotic and myriad thoughts, a form of therapy I suppose that doesn't cost me and doesn't involve the awkwardness of sitting opposite someone not knowing where to look as you confess your deepest secrets and sadnesses. How often I update it, I don't know, perhaps I'll write this one time and never return, at this point I'm still wondering if I'll manage to finish even this blog, but lets give it a crack anyway, just for kicks.
So here I am, a 20-something girl with an alcohol addiction, one that has been in my life for many years and aggressively continues it's impact on just about all aspects of my life - my job, my finances (or lack of), my health, my appearance, my friends and family. I've lost jobs and relationships as a result of my problem, I constantly struggle to prioritise alcohol over basics like food and bills so am constantly poor, my weight is an ongoing problem as the calories from the alcohol, the food I eat when I drink (and then when I'm hungover), and the time I spend drinking takes away from my motivation to exercise, adds kilos onto my body.
Most people I meet would never guess I have this problem, I do an excellent job of putting on a show as a young up and coming professional who appears to have her shit together. I've learned to hide it though eventually over time people start to notice something is a bit off I think. I live alone, so no one sees me drinking just about every night, often until I pass out then struggle to get up for work the next day, my close friends know I have a problem as I've confided in them but none know how bad it is and in fact I've led them to believe that I've worked through it already, my family knows but again the extent of it I'm sure they don't. My mum was shocked to think I might be able to down 1 bottle of wine in one sitting, what would she think if she knew normally it's two bottles, sometimes more...and 5/6 times a week. Today I was sick from work, for the probably 9th time in 4 months which is directly as a result of drinking too much on a school night.
I've tried so many things, I've gone to AA's, I've been to psychologists and counselling, I've tried medication even the dreaded Antabuse which at least gives me 3-4 days break from drinking but makes me binge even harder when the effects wear off, I've tried my own methods of trying to quit eg; Dry July - some of these have given some short term benefit but in the long run it has become progressively worse. I'm now seeing a psychologist again, seeing if I can target the source of my drinking, those negative self-beliefs which apparently I am drinking to not have to deal with - probably true if I am honest with myself - but it is so hard to believe that I could lead a normal life without alcohol being a problem after so long, but then, how can I not?? How am I going to have a normal relationship, my health, money to live, a good job, if I keep this up. It's just not possible so I need to make a choice for change.
Well you know what I'm not gonna go on and on right now for fear that I won't publish this and that would be a darn shame after all this typing...! And I do want to give this blog thing a go, so lets get something locked in and see how we go.
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